Tuesday, August 3, 2010


I want a daughter very, very, very, very much. Most of you know this. But some people have been ridiculously disparaging, rude, and insensitive about my desire. Here's what various people have said about it:
"At least you won't have to pay for a girl's wedding."
"Be glad if you don't have a girl. Girls are just drama."
"As long as it's healthy, it doesn't matter what it is."
"Be careful what you wish for. My daughter was ...."
"Be grateful for what you have."
"At least you won't have to go out at buy girl stuff."
Why would people say such discouraging things about girls? And why do people tell me what I should and should not want?
I WANT to pay for a girl's wedding and be involved in helping her plan one. I WANT to go by pink and purple onesies. Yes, girls are more drama in general, but so worth it. Yes, I will be extremely grateful if my child is healthy, but does that mean I can't pine for a certain gender?
I love my two boys BEYOND MEASURE, and I'm so grateful that God has given them to me. I'm so glad that I had two boys together, close in age. I think they'll grow up close, they can share a room, they'll be less lonely with each other, etc.
But now that I'm going to have another child, I would really like to have a girl. I would really like to experience that mother-daughter relationship. Most moms I know treasure their girls and have a bond with them that is very different from the bonds with their sons. I want to experience that. I would love to pick out a girl name, and buy girl clothes, and (hopefully) still be close to her when she grows up and marries and has children. Boys generally leave their parents more than girls do.
My desire: Is it immoral or unethical to desire a daughter? Absolutely not. In the Bible, children are described as blessings to be grateful for (Matt 19:4, Mark 10:14, Mark 10:16, Psalm 127:5), and nowhere does it say or insinuate that one sex is more valuable than the other. Is it okay to be obsessed about it? No. Do I need to thank God for my blessings whether it's a boy or a girl? Absolutely. And I will ... eventually.
If I have another son, I will probably go through a grieving period because I will feel disappointed and sad not to have a daughter. I don't think that will be a bad thing. My feelings of disappointment will be valid, and I should be allowed to have them and process them so that I can get to a point where I am happy to have another little boy in my house. Even King Solomon knew that disappointments and desires are real: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" (Prov 13:12). So, yes, if I find out it's another boy, my heart will feel sick for a short time. Please allow me these emotions and don't tell me how to feel.
I'm going on Sunday to an ultrasound school for one that costs $25. I'll post the results when I can.
Sick heart or tree of life?


Sarah said...

oh hope!
i know what you mean, i always wanted to have at least one child of each sex and God has blessed me with two of each!!
both are challenging, having kids is challenging in general!
we know you will love your child no matter what!!
(i always wished to have a boy, then girl, then boy, then girl, and i got what i wished for, so you never know!)
ill bake you some extra chewy gooey cheesecake brownies to help you grieve if it is a boy, does that sound good? and if its a girl, then you might need a baby shower to get some girl things!

Jen said...

I agree that your feelings are valid, Hope. And I hope your longings in this instance are fulfilled.

Emily said...

This was a great post. Best of luck with the ultrasound. I really felt like you were having a girl from the time I found out you were pregnant! That baby is lucky to have you for a mom either way!