Thursday, March 12, 2009

Why I'm Pensive

Thank you, dear readers, for the compliments on my photo. And it was even a self-portrait! :) (How junior high am I, taking pictures of myself?)
Anyway, some of you are wondering why I've been pensive and what it is that I've been pondering. There are two things. The first one has been solved, and it's good news.
1. For a loooooong time, I've been anxious about the Verano housing assistant position. I have applied for this position 4 times, and we had to wait a long time for the hiring committee to make a decision. Meanwhile, we heard rumors and strange things, and we (Bridge, Michelle, and me mainly) came up with radical theories and conjectures about what the heck was going on. Anyway, long story short, after many moons of restless nights, I received the glorious news yesterday that I GOT A POSITION! Yes, it's true, I am the next housing assistant extraordinaire. I have a lot to live up to though...
2. Secondly, I have a good friend from college named Alicia. Her husband John has been fighting cancer for over a year. Last September, they didn't expect him to live more than 4-6 months. (He was only 31, mind you). Then in December, they said that after 4 weeks of radiation, he'd be cancer-free. Then, in early March, they said the cancer was back and was growing. He also had pneumonia and because his white blood cell count was so low from the chemo, he couldn't fight the pneumonia. We were told by Alicia to pray for a miracle. Last Saturday, we heard the news that he was given a matter of hours to live. He held for another 40 hours before he died early Monday morning. Alicia, aged 28, is  now a widow and single mother of a 3-yr old girl.
The worst part of it is that she's already lost 2 children as well. This woman has been through more tragedy and attack than most of us will experience in a life-time. Imagine two children and a husband dying! I can't help but question God in these days. Why give Alicia false hope in December that John would be well again? Why take him at all? Why "Job" her like that by taking so many loved ones?
Somewhere in the back of my head, I know that God knows what he's doing, that he's in control, that he "works all things together for the good of those who love him," (Romans 8:28). But in my heart, which is broken for my friend who is suffering such tragedy, I can't help but wonder. Don't worry, I'm not losing my faith; I 'm not angry at God. I'm simply shaking my head thinking "Why? I just don't get it."
John is in a better place, in Heaven with God and with Jack and Rainee, his two lost children. I imagined him arriving in Heaven on Monday morning, in no more pain, his body perfect, seeing Rainee and Jack and running to them, picking them up, and embracing them, holding them for an eternity because time means nothing to him now. He can look back over his shoulder, see Alicia weeping, and says to her, "Don't cry for me. I'm happy now. I'm with Jesus."
Great, I'm crying now.


Jackie said...

First of all, I'm so sorry for Alicia's loss. Sometimes it's so hard to understand why some people seem to undergo so much hardship. Thanks for sharing her story. Secondly, on a brighter note, a big, huge CONGRATS on the housing assistant position!!!! You'll be fabulous!

michellep said...

Congratulations AGAIN my fellow HA : ) Hmmmm, I think it might be fun to congratulate you every time I see you from now until we start the job in June : )

Wow, I had no idea you've been mourning for your friends! I'm so sorry. Loss is SO hard!

Katie Jones said...

Glad that you got the job, it seems right up your alley!

Carl and Amber said...

I could never imagine going through such extreme loss. When my grandmother lost her little girl, she found comfort in the greater motivation she had to live a life like our Savior's. I truly believe that we will have such joyful reunions with so many loved ones in heaven.

Justin and Rachel Smith said...

Hey Girl,
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and all the pensive thoughts you've had. Although, it's usually in my pensive times that God reveals something about Himself that I wouldn't have taken the time to realize had it been any other kind of time.
My mom always told me that I can come to God open-hearted with my questions because he's big enough to handle them. It took me a while to realize that I shouldn't go to God angry, so I'm glad that you're not angry at Him. But, I do think that times like these are the best times to hear Him and I pray that He answers you, at the very least with peace in your heart to KNOW that He is in control and knows what He's doing, even when He doesn't let us in on that sovreign knowledge.
Regardless, I'm praying for you and for your friend and praising God that one of His own has joined Him for eternity.